Wednesday, 14 January 2015


At the risk of sounding like a hater, I HATE flashers.

I don’t mean folks who like to show you their bits. Unless you’re talking about Rihanna. If I ever see any of Rihanna’s bits, ever again, I will pluck out my own eyeballs.

I mean motorists who think it’s the done thing to flash you with their headlights for no discernible reason.

Take the other day. There I am, driving along the country road into my village, when a motorist flashes me.

I check the speedometer. The instrument panel. The mirrors.  Nothing.

A second motorist flashes me, then a third, this time with eye-melting LED headlights that emit more light than a nuclear explosion.  In a state of high anxiety, overwhelmed by the mind-altering pain of the retinal burn, I consider the following possibilities:  

a) There is a corpse on my car roof.

b) The radiator grille is spewing out Plague.

c) The flesh-eating flying demon from Jeepers Creepers is preparing to swoop down on my car and eat my head.

d) I have become invisible, rendering the car (apparently) driverless.  

e) There is a gigantic bomb strapped to the bumper. 

I pull into a cul-de-sac of executive housing.  I am five minutes from home, maybe less, but if I continue driving, the car will explode. I also notice a police car parked in a lay-by up ahead.  Drive onwards, and I will be committing an unprecedented range of serious motoring offences.

A man walking his dog meets my gaze. He looks concerned. I get out of the car to look busy. I check the tyres. I check the bonnet. I have no actual clue what I’m looking for. I may as well be looking at a diagram of the Higgs Boson particle. 

"You allright?" says the man. 

“Yes, fine thanks, just checking for locusts, intestines, explosives, wraiths, that kind of thing! Ha ha ha! You know how it is!”

Obviously I don’t say any of this. People here have a positive outlook. They get up early. They have good jobs. They are not the kind of people who freak out on the side of the street. They are not the kind of people who frisk their vehicles for entrails.  

I text my partner.  

Hi hun. Can u ring me back ASAP.  In car. Three people flashed me.  Have pulled in. Afraid to carry on, especially as police car in lay-by ahead.  Something HORRIBLY wrong, obvs. PLS ring. PLS xxx

Up ahead, the policeman gets out of his vehicle, looks in my direction. I absolutely shit myself. I start to cry a bit, because of all the stress. My partner phones back. 

“That text was hilarious!” he says. “They’re trying to warn you about the speed trap!” he adds. “It’s fucking obvious.”

As soon as he says it, I know it's true. The policeman returns to his vehicle. 

“It’s not obvious to me”, I say, angry now.

“That’s because you’ve got no common sense!” he says, laughing heartily.  

I don't wish to rant, or digress, but the worst part of not having any so-called Common Sense is that most folk think it’s a fucking hoot. Totally OMG, ROFL and LMAO. Whether they’d be rolling in the aisles quite so much if you didn’t have any, say, working elbows, is doubtful. The second worst part is feeling like you’re not really a grown-up: that somewhere along the line, you missed the class where the teacher gave out secret little notes about Life, including answers to questions like a) What the actual fuck is going on in Eraserhead? b) What is a goddamn annuity? and c) WHERE EXACTLY IS THE BASTARD iCLOUD? As well as information about when and where to flash your headlamps at people.

“There’s definitely nothing in the Highway Code about flashing people to warn them about police cars parked in lay-bys”, I say.  “I got full marks in my theory.”

I didn’t get full marks in my theory. I got 49 in the multiple-choice part. Which is still awesome.

“It’s a common sense thing”, he says. Again.


I drive home without incident, albeit filled with the sudden, thrilling realisation that I was tipped off. I shoot the police officer a smug smile as I pass. "D'you think I was born yesterday?" I want to shout. "I know the score mate!" I walk with renewed confidence towards my front door. I find my keys easily. I am part of a clandestine network of experienced motorists who use coded light systems forbidden by the authorities to communicate! I am a grown-up! 

But then, as I’m making myself a nice cup of tea in the kitchen, I remember something else. The school of thought that says that if you’re speeding through a residential village, where there are children, well, maybe you deserve to get caught.  I remember all those not yet baptised in the gritty jizz of Common Sense, and all my fellow scaredy-cats, for whom flashing is ALWAYS alarming. And I decide that I hate fucking flashers. 

Tuesday, 18 November 2014


Today, I have been mostly thinking about the pros and cons of working from home, which I’d like to share.

I'll begin with the bad news: 

1. Working from home can mean extensive periods of isolation, leading to a catastrophic degeneration of socio-personal skills. In extreme circumstances, this can mean going to ridiculous lengths to avoid human contact, such as using the sewer network to get to the post office, or leaping from branch to branch in the overhead tree canopy to avoid footpaths.  

2. Conversely, working from home can also mean getting so ridiculously over-excited at the possibility of human contact, that when the postman delivers a parcel, you end up speaking in the jumbled, rapid manner of a psychotic:   

ME: Oh, hi, sorry I took ages ... I was upstairs in the bathroom … Ha ha ha! Ooh! I’m so out of breath though ... can’t believe how unfit I am ... still, what’s it like OUT THERE? Haven’t been OUT today! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Least it’s not raining though! Do you want to step into the hallway?
POSTMAN: (looking alarmed and holding handset with attached pen-thing at considerable distance from body) “This just needs signing for”.

3. People who work from home typically end up reporting hostile feeling towards their house. One woman told me that she fantasised about drawing a giant spurting cock on to the living room wall, even though it had JUST been painted in Farrow and Ball heritage colours! Another had a recurring dream about digging an escape tunnel under the hallway floorboards. Thankfully, I don't have this problem. No siree bob!  (So, yes, ok, there is THAT smell, and yes, I did spend last Friday sniffing the skirting boards, on all fours, trying to locate it), but for the most part I love being in the house all day every day with hardly a break. 

courtesy of Modern Toss

But then, there are the PROS! Yay!

1. Working from home offers healthier snacking opportunities. Yesterday, I ate an entire packet of cherry tomatoes. In one sitting. By 10am. Admittedly, this did trigger a fair amount of gastro-intestinal disturbance (and at one point I had to cross-reference my symptoms with those of Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate factory, especially the bloating), nevertheless, this is not the kind of snacking choice you could make in an office, without getting looks.

2. Working from home offers ample opportunities for reflection. Just the other week, I spent an extremely constructive twenty-two minutes staring at a tree outside the window. To the untrained observer, it probably looked like I was catatonic (what with the horrible, glazed expression, the drool dribbling down my chin, and the pyjamas), but then, the same thing could easily be said of the untrained observer, by which I actually mean our Peeping Tom of a fucking window cleaner, what with the horrible, predatory expression, the drool dribbling down his chin like a perv, and the unsettling pinky ring.

3. But most importantly, there are far fewer interruptions at home. Because the hardest thing about working in an office is trying to do ANY actual motherfucking work:

COLLEAGUE: See Paul Hollywood on the Jonathon Ross show? I’d so DO him. Remember Terri, she used to do that train the trainers course with Helen Pickering, well, she went to the live roadshow he did at St David’s Hall couple of weeks ago. Loads of people went up on stage and …
ME:  Yeah, right, thing is I’ve got to finish this newsletter by midday, so   
COLLEAGUE: My mum’s gonna get us tickets for the Bath show in a coupla weeks. We’ll probably end up making a weekend of it and … blah blah blah blah ad infinitum, until blood is gushing out of your ears, the newsletter is beyond fucked, and all you can see, dancing in front of your eyes, is Paul Hollywood, waving his big, yeasty-smelling breadstick about the place. Like a twat.

Which is, I should add, easily the best reason EVER to work from home.

If this kind of calendar ever appears on the wall at your workplace, it is a contravention of your human rights, and you have the right to sue, or to demand to work from home. According to the U.N. 

PS Feel free to share yours pros and cons, as I’m hoping to syndicate this blog to a TOP business magazine! Yeah!  

Tuesday, 7 October 2014


Everyone remembers their first kiss, right?

For me, the story involves a widowed second cousin-in-law, twice-removed, who lived in Carmarthenshire with some other cousins, who went by the name of Great Auntie Maud. (Fuck knows why I’m specifying the exact degree of kinship of those involved.) Suffice it to say that Great Auntie Maud was as old as Methuselah, and may have even been a childhood friend of his.

Anyhoo, one day, during one particular visit to our cousins’ home, Great Auntie Maud shot up from her armchair as we were leaving, and stood in the doorway, blocking our exit.

“Give Auntie Maud a kiss goodbye then”, she said, turning to me.

I was thirteen and three-quarters at the time. And although kissing somebody was on my bucket list, Great Auntie Maud looked nothing like a) Andrew Ridgeley from Wham, b) John Taylor, the bass guitarist from Duran Duran, or c) Stephen Jones from Form 3C, who were the usual objects of my kissing fantasies.

“What you waiting for boy?” said Great Auntie Maud, offering me her cheek.

“I’m not a boy Auntie Maud”, I said.

“Never mind that!” she said, offended.

“Give Auntie Maud a kiss”, said my mother impatiently. “We’re gonna be late for cello lessons.”

“Okay okay!’ I yelled. 

It happened in less than an instant. As I stretched on to the tips of my toes, angling myself towards Great Auntie Maud’s cheek, she spun towards me, jamming her mouthparts against mine, launching her tongue into my mouth at a speed that would have amazed even a chameleon.  Within seconds, there were rivers of Maud slobber running down the slopes of my soft palate towards my throat, and drool collecting in ducts under my tongue. I could even taste Jacob’s cream crackers.

“Maud. That’s enough!” said my mother.

But Great Auntie Maud wasn’t listening.  Her tongue was spinning around inside my mouth cavity like a sock in an out-of-control washing machine. She was gaining in confidence, experimenting with different thrusting techniques, showing off. At one point, I felt her quivering along the whole length of her body.

Finally, my mother pulled her away from me.

“Helluva boy”, muttered Great Aunt Maud, satisfied.

Great Auntie Maud's Guide To Tonsil Hockey. Available in all good bookstores. 

Later, in the car on the way home, my eleven-year-old brother laughed so hard my mother was forced to tell him a cautionary tale about the perils of excessive elation.

“Your gran laughed non-stop all the way through a Laurel and Hardy film. Burst a brain aneurysm because of it”, she said. “Dr Levi was bloody livid.”

Meanwhile I used a dried-out packet of Wet Ones to scour the inside of my mouth, leaving streaks of perfumed horribleness.

“It wasn’t even THAT funny!” said my mother.

“She snogged her!” said my brother. “She ACTUALLY snogged her!”

“I meant the film”, said my mother, irately.  

Determined to clean out my esophagus, I shaped the last of the Wet Ones into a compact cylinder, gagging as it hit the back of my tongue.  

“I’m gonna be sick!” I shrieked, as we joined the motorway.

“For godsake settle down!” screamed my mother.  “She’s not right in the head! There’s no need to make a bloody song and dance of it!”

On the kissing front, things improved, of course.  Soon afterwards, I made it to first base - and then second base - with a horn player from county youth orchestra called Tweetie (Jones).  And although he lacked the blistering sex appeal of John Taylor and Stephen Jones, and reeked of Insignia, on the massively plus side, he was a) not my Great Auntie Maud, b) not my Great Auntie Maud, and c) NOT. MY. GREAT. AUNTIE. MAUD. 

"That your first time then?” he asked, smugly, after the event.

“As. If!” I said.  

Er, NO. 

PS: I'm dedicated this blog to Great Auntie Maud, who is no longer with us, and to everyone I know who's got dementia, including my lovely funny father, who would never let a crappy hideous illness get in the way of a good story. 


Thursday, 18 September 2014


Let me get one thing straight.

In spite of my buffed appearance, I am NOT a gym bunny.

I loathe exercise more than I loathe Facebook updates about exercise.  I loathe exercise more than I loathe the new iWatch. I loathe exercise more than I loathe the idea of shitting on the pavement in full view of the world’s media, which is also to say that if I’d been the one running the London Marathon in 2005, shitting on the pavement would have been the highlight of my race, Paula. All of which makes my recent love affair with an exercise bike, frankly, disturbing. 

It all began a few weeks ago, during an episode of PMS so severe that not even smashing the kitchen up – normally a marvellous stress-buster – would have worked. So, having read that exercise was good for regulating hormones, I approached the exercise bike gathering dust in the study.

“Hello Mr Bike!” I said, brightly, hoping he’d forgive the years of neglect. “Are you pleased to see me or is that just a massive head tube?! Way-hay!!"
The exercise bike wasn’t talking. But I could tell from the way a light went on as I brushed accidentally against his flanks that he was up for it. He even made an excited beeping noise as I straddled his seat to begin pedalling. At first, things were awkward, even strained.  Nobody wanted to admit that this felt good, real good. But then, as I was approaching the summit of a virtual mountain pass, I could no longer ignore the prickling sensation in my solar plexus: the rush of wellbeing spreading everywhere.

I pedalled harder, faster, and at higher resistance levels.

“Go me!” I shrieked euphorically.

“Beep beep de beep!” beeped the bike. 

Soon I was entertaining a succession of endorphin-fuelled fantasies in which I was a normal, productive human being.  I imagined waking up at 6am driven by a heady excitement about the working day.  I imagined being able to hold down a nine-to-five job without falling headlong into a bottomless pit of despair.  I imagined PHONING broadsheet editors and television commissioners to pitch writing ideas, as in actually PHONING, not emailing! 

By the second day of my love affair with the exercise bike, I was able to proceed to the next transformational step of my, uh, transformation. Following thirty minutes of a kickass programme entitled Switchback Trail, I ticked off multiple items on my To-Do-List, including “Call Auntie Eileen TODAY to thank her for the birthday money". And all this whilst hoovering!  I was growing new skill sets. I was on an accelerated schedule. I was powering through this shit like I was Angela Merkel.  

I should have known it wouldn’t last, however. On Day Three, I was tired and a little bit emo. It was all to do with not going to bed on time the previous evening - 11.23pm instead of 10.30pm - causing a catastrophic 53-minute sleep deficit. The bike, meanwhile, was looking dishevelled but ready for action; an empty water bottle complete with lipstick traces, sitting at a rakish angle in the cup holder.

“Beep beep baby!” he said, drawing the beeps out, wantonly.

I felt awful, guilty, and slightly nauseous. I couldn’t look him in the screen or touch his outstretched handlebars. Pedaling slowly at first, I tried customizing the settings to introduce mood-elevating variety, careful not to allow my hands to drift onto the metal plates that told me my heart rate (because who wants to be reminded that the ageing pump in the middle of your chest could explode at any minute, right?) But it was no good. I wasn’t feeling it. The bike gave a protest beep when I slowed down again.

“Sorry" I said, climbing off. “I’m not in the mood.”

The lights on the screen grew dimmer.  There was a film of moisture on the handlebars that I’m guessing was, maybe, tears. The empty water bottle suddenly looked, well, empty: a relic from happier times.

“It’s not you. It’s me!” I said. “I have a low boredom threshold.”

“Me? Boring?!” he suddenly blurted, beeping hysterically.

“I’m gonna put you on ebay,” I said, interrupting. “We’ll find you a buffed gym bunny. Someone with an iWatch with one of those built-in activity apps. It’ll be like a ménage a trois. You’ll be happy.”

“But what if she gets runner’s trots and accidentally shits on me like Paula Radcliffe?”

“Now you’re being silly," I said.

Saturday, 2 August 2014


Once upon a time, when I was a not-so-sweet sixteen year old, I quit shaving my legs.  I can’t remember the exact reason - it was probably more to do with youthful contrarianism than feminism – but I do remember that unlike other acts of teenage rebellion, my shaggy young forelegs were a transgression too far.   

“No gorillas in the back seat!” shouted a handsome sixth-former (on whom I’d had a long-standing crush) as I boarded the school bus, his face so full of fear and confusion it was as though I’d rocked up the aisle in a witch’s hat and bikini top, a giant veiny dildo strapped to my skirt, roaring I’M HERE, I’M HAIRY, I WANT TO FUCK YOU. Backwards. And at double speed. 

Exiled to the front of the bus to sit with the first-formers, I reconsidered my options, which were a) continue the experiment in not shaving and risk being stoned to death in the schoolyard, or b) conform to the fucked-up idea that says women must not be allowed to thrive in their natural state, because it is both DISGUSTING and UNFEMININE, by resuming depilation. (I say fucked-up, because the desire to make women look like prepubescent little girls is kind of weird. No, scratch that, perverted.) 

So that night, largely because I like the feel of stones against my body even less than I like the feel of blades, I shaved.

These three dames would definitely have been dispatched to the front of the bus ...

And so it was until a couple of weeks ago, when having forgotten to include razor blades in my online shop, and with the heat inducing a state of Can’t. Be. Fucking. Arsed-ness that made nipping to GroTesco Express a physical impossibility, I didn’t shave again. And because I am a sexually mature woman, I grew hair. Lots of it.  Within days, I was sporting the hairiest pins in northwest Cardiff, probably the universe. In a breeze, I could feel the hair blowing gently across my legs, which was nice. (No. Seriously. I could.) But there were also darker moments when I wondered whether I might be descended from a long line of lycanthropes. But just as I was building up to attacking myself with razor blades, in what is usually a frenzy of murderous insanity that is arguably the opposite of self-acceptance, I heard the voice of my sixteen-year-old self.    

“Why the actual fuck do you need to shave anyway?” “What is WRONG with your body as is?”

And I didn’t have an answer that made sense to me.

“Erm, hair is so itchy”, I said, tentatively. “It makes me too hot.”

“Hair is only itchy until you grow it out properly”, she said, a little too smugly. “It protects skin from drying out in the sun. Also, it aids heat transfer into and out of the body, which means, scientifically-speaking, it cools you down.”  

“Plus, pubes and pit hair trap pheromones, which means that on a primal level, hairiness makes you hot.  But NOT sweaty hot. Basically, it’s meant to be there. It has a function”, she continued.  

I wanted to tell her is that in spite of the pheromones argument n’all, I worry that body hair, particularly leg hair, will make me look like a man, which will, ergo, make me unfuckable.  In other words, I don’t want my partner to think that I look, in any way at all, like Brian Blessed.

But I am also self-aware enough to know that every time I shave, part of me is pissed off. Pissed off at the idea that in order to be attractive, even acceptable, I have to get rid of something.  Root something out. Shrink myself down to a one-size-fits-all version of femininity.  I even wonder whether, by suppressing my outer hairiness, I'm suppressing my inner hairiness: some part of me that is assertive, ambitious, and yes, animal. RAWRRR. And as much as I tell myself that shaving is a matter of choice (as in “Shall I have the Brazilian or the Hollywood? Wow! Such a dizzying array of beauty choices!”) I suspect it's all bullshit.  Because if shaving your legs were a choice, I would statistically-speaking see me some other women with bushy shanks walking around the joint. Right? As opposed to ZERO women.  Ever. (Which is all the more surprising given that recent research suggests that leg shaving is women’s most hated beauty chore.) Perhaps the truth is that as long as women feel that they have to choose between being a sexual pariah or shaving, it’s hard to frame the whole thing as choice. 

And so, like the women of Tumbl’r new Hairy Legs Club , I have decided to go head to head, pin to pin, with prevailing norms.  “Don’t think you’re coming out with me like that!” said a friend a few days ago, though to be fair, she was (kind of) joking. Others tell me that I’m brave. (This to a women who is scared of balloons.) And yet, in spite of the comments, and the staring, one of the more difficult aspects of the journey has been my own response to my hairiness.  If I were an Elizabethan woman, I’d have shaved off my eyebrows and hairline; if I were an Egyptian woman, I’d have shaved my head.  As it is, it is my leg hair that disquiets me: the straggly monkey trousers that falls, unashamedly, from my knees. But I am determined to persevere, to get used to it, to fall in love with it. Yeah! Go me! 

Tomorrow I go to the international swimming pool in Cardiff Bay. It is the summer holidays. The pool will be chockers. But already, I feel something changing. I am not so frightened of what others might think of me. It is a new exciting feeling.

It is, methinks, my inner hairiness ...   

Monday, 7 July 2014


My father in law is a good sort: generous, good-humoured, sincere. But frankly, when it comes to women’s issues, he is all kinds of fucking dinosaur.

“Paternity leave! Bloody ridiculous!” he exclaimed the other day, while reading the paper.   

Now normally, for the sake of family cohesion, I let things like this go:

Father-in-law: Global warming is bloody rubbish!
Me: Sheesh! You’re sooo craze!!  But whatever … 
Father in law: Brawn is bloody delicious! Not like that foreign muck.
Me:  Mmm. It does sound tasty. (A terrine of meat jelly made of a pig’s head and pig’s tongue also known as head cheese … what’s NOT to like?)  

But the notion that paternity leave is bloody ridiculous got right on my mildreds. As far as yours truly is concerned, the new legislation on shared parental leave may well be the single most important piece of legislation in the struggle to achieve workplace equality in a decade, forcing employers who currently look upon women of childbearing age as liabilities to consider that men, too, may also require extended leave. Yes, the policy needs some serious tinkering  – more on this later - but the principle of extending paternity leave to allow fathers to share up to a year’s parental leave is a no-brainer. End of.

“So why is it bloody ridiculous?” I ask my father-in-law.
“Why should Jo Public pay for men to stay home for two weeks doing nothing?” he says.   
(Turns out my father in law isn’t objecting to shared parental leave. Just basic paternity leave. Bless his long spiny tail cotton socks.)  
“It’s not doing nothing!” I say. “It’s a job that NEEDS two people …”
“So how did people like my mother manage?” he says.
“Probably because they had five great-aunts, eleven aunts, grandmothers, five sisters, a mother, and assorted members of the extended family ALL living next door” I say, contemplating the horror of having your relatives around for 30 days, crinkling their noses at the whiff wafting from your vagina, and demanding tea.

I don’t mention the idea that just because something might be “manageable” doesn’t make it ok. People managed for years without entitlement to sick pay, holiday pay, a minimum wage, employment rights of any kind, or the vote, and even my father in law would agree that we don’t want to go back there.

“Besides, why would you deny men the chance to spend time with their babies?” I say, hopefully.  
“They see them in the nights and weekends. No need to bankrupt the bloody country over it", he says. 

I turn to my partner for support. Being a boy, I’m guessing he’s loads better than me at sums *sarcastic face*.  I’m hoping he might explain that paid paternity leave – even if it were extended to four weeks at full pay as recommended by the IPPR – would only cost the taxpayer in the region of £150 million. I say “only”, because compared with the £95 billion a year that rich corporations and individuals cost the state when they shun taxes or the £100 billion a year it costs the taxpayer to pay for insurance for the banks, this is a small price to pay for a more equal society.

“I think paternity leave is a good thing”, says my partner, but without the unbridled enthusiasm I was looking for. And with that he walks out of the room, presumably because he suspects that I am THIS close to talking about my vagina. 

This is NOT my father in law. 

As it turns out, my father in law is not alone in his aversion to even basic forms of paternity leave.  Research by the Institute of Leadership and Management (ILM) shows that a quarter of new fathers take NO paternity leave. According to the ILM, one issue behind the dismal take-up is the attitude of employers. “There remains a cultural expectation within organizations that women will be the ones taking extended periods away from the workplace”, says Charles Eleven, ILM Chief Executive.  His thoughts are echoed by Cityfathers, a support group for working fathers in the City, which found that a quarter of men feared it would be 'career death' to ask for time off to look after their children. To which the only reasonable response is MAN THE FUCK UP.  IT’S YOUR BABY TOO.

But attitudes aren’t the only issue. Paying men less than the minimum wage to stay at home (statutory maternity or paternity leave currently stands at a grim £138.18 per week) in a society where men earn an average of £5000 a year more than women, won’t work. Even in Sweden, famous for its enlightened attitudes, (where eight in ten fathers now take a third of the thirteen months of available leave), the gender pay gap meant that men didn’t take up their entitlement to shared parental UNTIL there were financial incentives to do so. And by financial incentives, I mean a quota of paid parental leave available ONLY to fathers.
In a stroke of genius, the Swedish government introduced exactly that, back in 1995. Dubbed ‘daddy leave”, it constituted a month of non-transferrable parental leave at close to full wages. No father was forced to stay home, but if he didn’t, the family lost one month of subsidies. The policy had an immediate impact. More than eight in ten men took the leave. The addition of a second non-transferrable daddy month in 2002 continued the trend. Soon it became the norm for dads to take off a month, two months, even longer, and the culture at work – and at home - began to shift. Not only did the pay gap between men and women start to close, but men got a taste of what it was like to be the primary parent, assuming responsibilities traditionally left to mothers. The divorce rate went down, at a time when it was rising elsewhere.

Meanwhile, I will never convince my father-in-law that a system of properly remunerated shared parental leave, including at least two months of paid daddy leave, is a force for good. Like columnist Liz Jones, who argues that extending paternity leave is a ghastly slippery slope towards men wearing fake mammary glands, my father in law’s worst fear is that shared parental leave could make men grow vaginas. Whilst there is no hard scientific evidence that this is likely to happen, (no, really, I looked everywhere, even in The Daily Mail), red-blooded men still unsure about whether or not to take up their fair share of parental leave should probably know this: most women love a man who can change nappies AND use the eco-settings on a washing machine. And when I say love, I mean lurrve. As in, want to fuck. So in a way, maybe it’s best if my father-in-law remains a dinosaur, because THAT would be awkward.

This is a slightly edited version of an article that appeared in the vagtastic Vagenda magazine. To read the full version, click here. 

Friday, 13 June 2014


So, gals, here's the thing. 

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered that I suffer from a previously unknown condition called 'simia cervux' (to give it its official Latin name), meaning that my cervix is basically a monkey.

This shocking discovery was made during a routine smear test, when the practice nurse, having first pried me open with an icy metal speculum THIS big (the bronze vaginal dilators of ancient Rome are an excellent reference point), made a sudden exasperated announcement.
“Cheeky little monkey your cervix, isn’t she!”   
As always, I tried to make light of things.
"Ha ha! Maybe you should try some banana on top of the swab?!” I said. Like a twat.
She shot me one of those weary, angry, “not again” looks that people usually reserve for moments when they a) step in dog shit or b) hear something that Michael Gove said. Which is very fucking annoying indeed, as it was she who brought the monkey into the conversation in the first place.

I'm not a fucking vet, love. 

Of course, this isn’t the first time my lady parts have been treated as biological rarities. (A mermaid foetus? A two-headed dog? A kidney stone the size of Jupiter that also happens to have the face of a transmogrified Jesus? Whatever. For a whole sackful of proper weird, just try looking DOWN HERE, at cuntzilla.) 

Take my first-ever smear test, at the tender age of 25, when the nurse, after some protracted rummaging, said:
“You have a very long vagina. I’ll have to go get the longer speculum”.  
The way she said "long", it was as though she had accidentally walked the whole length of my vagina, realising, too late, that it was exactly the same length as the Wales Coastal Path. After a massive manhunt for the outsize speculum, involving two other doctors, she finally suggested that I “pop” onto my knees. I turned around on the treatment bed, sticking my butt in the air.
“Do you mean, like, doggie style?” I said.
I don’t know why I said doggie style. I was ALREADY more embarrassed than I had ever been in my entire life, except for the time my mother found a still-warm cucumber on my bedroom floor.
“Yip, uh uh”, she said, wearily.  “I’ll be able to reach up higher then.”
In hindsight, I’m surprised that she didn’t mention the cheeky little monkey who lives at the end of the Trans-Vaginal Interstate Highway, you'd think she would n'all, but either she was too frazzled to notice, or my cervix is actually, you know, a 'normal' cervix. 

* closes legs, suppressing a gibbering sound *

PS: This week is Cervical Screening Awareness Week. Go and get yourself screened. Beware, though, of all the public health advice that tells you that it doesn’t hurt (as we live in a society that loves to infantilise adult women and treat them like little girls), because it hurts Like A Motherfucker. Then again, if it saves your life, who cares?! As for the nurses who may or may not call your cervix a little monkey, or refer to your vagina as “down there”, I suggest you practice saying VAGINA and CERVIX really loudly in the mirror beforehand. Then you can introduce them all properly and be friends. Yay!