Monday, 19 September 2011

SCHOOL RUN

There are few things I hate more in life than the school run.

1. The mindless tit-fest that is The Sun ‘newspaper.’
2. Gwyneth fu**king Paltrow. Don’t get me started.
3. People who don’t pick up their dog crap (why is it always fluorescent?)
4. Going to the dentist (don’t mind needles and pain - just don’t like being told how to brush my teeth, ‘in a circular motion’, when I’m 42)
5. The Royal Family.

The reason I hate the school run is because I AM LATE for every pick up, for every drop-off, for every appointment. I say this to other mothers and in a well-meaning gesture of sisterly solidarity they usually say something like, “So am I. It’s a nightmare!”  To which I should say: NO. YOU. ARE. NOT.

Just to clarify. I am not lazy. I don’t oversleep. I don’t go to Tesco Express in my pyjamas. I have even been known to be up and dressed before 7am, even in November. In fact, the daily psychic meltdown doesn’t really begin until around 8.30am, when the only remaining tasks are a) find a bobble for the bale of sticky hay masquerading as hair on my daughter’s head, and b) remember to take my son’s special beaker. Good going. Life’s a breeze. I can even afford to sit down and drink my tea.

Wrong. Because as soon as the tea touches my lips, Time accelerates. The kitchen enters the mouth of a wormhole, warping spacetime. The clock on the wall says 8.33, the clock on my mobile, on the other side of the kitchen, reads 8.45. I check the time on the desktop computer in the study: 8.47. I phone the speaking clock: 8.47. I am overwhelmed by the task of finding the bobble. I remember that my son’s special beaker is in the footwell of the passenger seat, unwashed since yesterday, in Listeria Heaven.

By the time I return from the school run, a kind of generalised anxiety disorder has taken hold. If the postman says something nice to me, I will probably cry. I drink another cup of tea. I wash the dishes. But it’s no good. I think about super-viruses, global warming, bird flu, giant asteroids, and intruders.

In the end, I go upstairs. Because sometimes, there’s only one way of relieving the tension. 

21 comments:

  1. you know I could have wrote this! I AM seriously always late for drop off and pick ups - more than once my eldest have been the last in the playground, I am like you not lazy or competely unorganized I think it is the clock thing I too have several clocks and I sware someone moves the main one in the sitting room back 5 mins every day no matter how much I check it is correct the night before so I won't be late the following morning I somehow manage to look at it at 8am and think great 15 mins till I need to leave... then I look at the clock in the kitchen and it's already 8.10? check laptop 8.15... whos steaing my time?!
    (doesn't help my littlest is at a school 15 mins away from my eldest and he has to be in his class for 8.30! not good )

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  2. Good to know I'm not alone. I think i'm going to have to accept that there's also some genetic component in my case. My parents were always late. Always making grand entrances in family weddings - walking in behind the bride - that kind of thing! The shame of it!

    I'm new to blogland by the way. School run was my first ever post and i haven't quite got the hang of posting pictures, making it pretty, etc, or how to get my blog out there. I want to keep it semi-anonymous in the first place while I experiment with what kind of things I'm going to write about!! But this makes it difficult to link it to my facebook page etc! Any tips? I'll start by following your blog! Ta!

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  3. Ha ! Great post - very funny !
    I am always late for the nursery run - poor Beans always the 'last kid standing' so I can relate to this :)
    ps. we'd love to have you join us over at lovenewblogs.wordpress.com x

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  4. You've got a nice write up on Brit Mums

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  5. This is hilarious - I laughed out loud a lot. I am with you on Gwyneth - check out my Muffin Top post here:

    http://nearlyperfectmother.blogspot.com/2011/08/muffin-top-yes-melted-cheese-please.html

    Great blog, will keep reading x

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  6. Brilliant! Really really funny! I have four children and I can really relate to this ! I often wonder how we all get out alive in a morning and I am hugely relieved that it is not just me!

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  7. Brilliant post - I am always always on the verge of late - every single morning whatever time I actually get out of bed - be it 6, 7 or even later. I think I am just programmed that way but boy is it stressful!
    By the way I have taken the liberty of tagging you in my latest post - hope you don't mind.

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  9. Late is my middle name. I LOVE your blog. Can't wait to read more x

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  10. My husband set the kitchen clock 10 minutes fast to stop me rushing at the last minute. I wised up to that one after a couple of days and leave ten minutes later. Guess what, I am still as late as I ever was! What is it about time that there seems to be loads of it until it's gone?!

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  11. I'm so glad it isn't me - we either end up getting to school as the bell goes or being fifteen minutes early - the days we are early I daren't do anything but leave because I know that will make us late!

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  12. News flash! I was on time today. Weirdly, the teacher looked a little distressed, as though my being early was one of those small signs that strange apocalyptic things were about to start happening ...

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  13. This is just like me. I am up at around 5.30 most mornings due to the little ones and still manage to arrive at school just after 9!

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  14. Ah, I remember 5.30!! I sometimes think that the earlier you get up, the more likely you are to be late. You sort of get lulled into a false sense of security!

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  15. Aw, I won't say "me too!" as we're still in the pre-school phase and so we're 'allowed' to be consistently late - well, I think we are :s

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  16. Enjoy it while you can. I like to think that my lack of punctuality is because i'm trying to manage pre-schoolers and one full-time schooler (is there such a word?)

    By the way, enjoyed your toothbrush post. Shall go out and buy one...

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  17. This week I have been REALLY bad, Monday I left my house at 8.32, my daughter starts school at 8.30, Tuesday was 8.29, today... 8.26, slowly getting better but still cutting it too fine

    http://boorootiggertoo.blogspot.com/

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  18. too funny, can totally relate to being late for everything. I hope you coped with all your clocks when the clocks went back recently, I didnt have a clue what time it was all day - some changed automatically, some I had to do myself but didn't now which was which...

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  19. I think the clocks went back on a weekend, thankfully. Although the whole concept of 'going back' or going forwards', when it comes to time, is bordering on physics/cosmology if you ask me. I can't get my head around it at all!

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  20. This made me laugh out loud. Does the Principal's perpetual reference to "the importance of punctuality" in the school newsletter give you heart palpatations? Oh. No... me either. *cough*

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  21. Yes, references to punctuality abound! I have heart palpitations if a small fly jumps out at me, or if someone talks a little too loudly and roughly, so yes! You are not mentally ill. *cough *

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