I’m not accustomed to awards. In my experience, awards were what you got if, instead of lying on your bed fantasising about Simon Le Bon and/or dreaming up spectacular ways of killing yourself to punish your parents, you practised your viola for five hours every night.
But now it seems I’ve won the Liebster Blog Award, courtesy of award-winning mummy blogger Older Mum, and the rules say I have to blog about it! I don’t know what the fuck a Leibster Blog Award is, but who cares! I’ve not been this happy since my mother reassured me that although she didn’t like me, she still loved me. Gee mom, thanks. That means a lot.
I do realise, of course, that awards are just a shallow motivational device to get people hooked on Capitalism (cue deafening applause from parents who send their kids to Steiner schools), because if they weren’t, my extraordinary record of underachievement, dysfunction and just plain making a hash of things, would have been recognised earlier.
After all, I reckon I hold the record for:
- The most driving lessons undertaken – 155 - before taking a first driving test.
- The biggest nipple cracks ever sustained during a single breastfeeding session. (I don’t have pictures, you freaks, but see the River Grande Gorge, New Mexico, or Valleris Marineris, Mars, if you need visuals.)
- The most chocolate hobnobs consumed in one sitting. I was a student okay?
- The most heinous examples of blasphemy and Anglo-Saxon sexual vernacular ever put together in one sentence whilst accidentally taking the exit for a motorway slip road. (P.S with my mother in the passenger seat, traumatised.)
- The most grotesque health-and-safety freak-out in the history of pregnancy.
But as usual, I’ve gone off at a narcisstic tangent. (Honestly, is there no possibility of some decent ‘me’ time anymore?) Turns out I’ve got to nominate five other new-ish undiscovered-ish bloggers for the award. So here goes:
The (Nearly!) Perfect Mother - for her fantastic storytelling abilities. If you want to read about Iggle Piggle’s clandestine cross-dressing, or the awkward threesome with The Gruffalo, look no further.
...And PND Makes Three - for writing funny, brave, honest accounts of PND and for coining the term ‘Motherexia’. A blogger with a really strong voice.
Chatty Baby - for managing to pull off a beautifully crafted blog from the perspective of a very opinionated chatty baby. Enchanting.
How To Be A Domestic Disgrace - for the pictures of a cupcake and a dead fly, the f**ked-up jelly cat, and for being so bloody witty all the time.
Motherventing – for inventing the best strap-line in the history of blogging … ever! "Taking all the fluffier aspects of parenting and totally shitting all over them." Genius.
Not quite a blubberfest, but it's the best I could do!!