Monday, 3 October 2011

POSITIVE MANTRA


If there’s one thing at which I excel, it’s under-achievement. I can imagine few more humiliating things in life than a girls night out/pub quiz in the company of Karren Brady, Nicola Horlicks, or Christine f**king Lagarde.  

Over-achievers suck. I mean, what’s so wrong with doing well at school, going to university, doing a post-graduate degree, getting a really exciting job that’s full of prospects, and then, you know, doing nothing for six years!  (And when I say nothing, I mean raising three kids, but not having a CAREER or ‘IT ALL’…)

So anyway, I thought I’d create an alternative list of skills I don’t have, especially for my partner – who today told me I trade on my insecurities. And since feeling inadequate is obviously the cornerstone of my identity, my main social currency, I should probably rehearse this list aloud every morning, preferably in the mirror, just before the school run.   This would be put me in the correct frame of mind for taking the piss out of myself at the school gates in front of the hospital consultant, company director, and lawyer parents.      

So here goes:

1) I can’t wink with my left eye.  (My left eye is a useless ball of goo.  As a kid, I wore glasses. One lens was so spectacularly magnified it looked like Cyclops had walked into the playground.)

2. I can’t whistle. (Minor motor skills are SO over-rated.)

3. I can’t blow balloons up.  (See above.)

4) I can’t join motorways.  (Being on a slip road is like suddenly having Satan pop up in the back of your car, wailing and bellowing and screaming “faster faster for fucksakes” in your ear, and “look really quickly in the side mirror with your one good eye you useless cow”.)

5) I can’t uncork bottles.  

6) I can’t do a French plait.

7) I can’t gargle. This is of course a total nightmare, a real bloody hindrance in life.

And finally….

8) I can’t ride a bike. (About which I don’t give a shiny shite. Who wants to sit on a seat that makes you feel like you’ve got a huge misshapen sanitary towel wedged up your ass anyway, and especially when said bike massively increases your chances of, you know, BEING KILLED.)

Hey, my life-coach would be proud of me.

PS There are plenty of things I can do (she says, grinning gleefully), but that’s one for another blog … maybe … 

6 comments:

  1. I LOVE this blog. It makes me larf and larf. Who needs to wink or whistle when you can write like that? And bollocks to the school gate massive. x

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  2. Hmmmm.... sounds like you're just not full of hot air. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing in a blogger. Either way your blog is ace! Can't wait for the list of things you can do!

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  3. I am in complete and utter agreement with you regarding minor life skills like joing a motorway, winking (who needs thay anyway) and there is a reason screw tops were invented!
    By the way, I've only gone and tagged you. Pop over to my blog and see x
    PS you make me laugh, in a good way :-)

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  4. LMAO......Can't do any of those either. Were we seperated at birth? Please tell me you also bump into things A LOT!

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  5. I am very confused as I think that we may be twins too! I cannot in all honestly do many of the above or click my fingers so I can't get my slave to get things for me.
    Dwli ar y blog!
    Keep up the good work!

    BNM

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  6. Can't click fingers either BNM. My thumb and middle finger just slide over each other making a greasy, lame, chugging sound... Also, mumofonedotcom, I bump into things a lot too. I currently have 8 inexplicable bruises on my legs. If there were such a thing as the opposite of a decathlon, I would win it. x

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