Monday, 28 November 2011

ON VERSATILITY


There seems to have been a terrible mistake. Someone has nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award. (Older Mum)

Versatile is not a word I associate with myself. Versatile is a word I associate with someone who is able to write a novel, become the youngest-ever managing director of a UK plc, sack a shed-load of people, and pleasure her husband AT THE SAME TIME AS giving birth. Another way of describing this kind of person might be Karren Brady*. Or smug c**t. By contrast, there are only two things I do really well. They are:  

Swearing
Making beans on toast

However, as I am spectacularly needy and crave instant gratification, there is no way I’m turning this award down, so I must now follow the Versatile Blogger Award rules of acceptance. In other words, I must tell you seven things about myself. 

 
  (Here it is. A Design Classic, I think you’ll agree.)

1. I once challenged Dani Behr to a popularity contest. This humiliating episode happened at the wrap party for a film my partner was working on. There I was, having a laugh with crew and cast members (living the dream), when the film’s star, Dani Behr, made her entrance. “Who wants to be in my gang?” she shouted. “No”, I shouted, hysterically. “Who wants to be in my gang?” I don’t know what I was thinking. I must have been coming down with something, like, erm, what do you call it again, oh yes, PSYCHOSIS. Anyway, to cut a long story short, guess who won the contest? Well let me give you a clue. It begins with the letters D.A.N.I.B.E.H.R.

2. I forget birthdays, particularly the birthdays of extremely elderly relatives. Relatives who may not make it through another calendar year. My mother thinks it’s because I’m childish and think of nobody but myself. Yeah yeah, whatever. Does my face look bovvered?

3. I have larger than average boobs. Or as I fondly call them, mildreds, or sometimes norks if they’re a fraction perkier. Anyway, you get the picture. (What do you mean you’ve already got the picture? What picture! It wasn’t me for godsakes!! I wasn’t even at the museum fundraising gala dinner…)

4. I loathe the Royal Family. I am not their subject. I am a citizen. Monty Python says it better than me.



5. I speak Welsh. Welsh is Europe’s oldest living language. Sadly it’s also endangered. There there … have a tissue.  (Listen, if you feel so badly, give me some money, say 50K, and I’ll make sure it goes towards preserving the language. Quite a few of my mates speak the lingo, so I was thinking along the lines of a grassroots ‘awareness-raising’ programme at the pub … or in some forest-clearing surrounded by standing stones … no, hang on, probably the pub, where we all speak Welsh all night. 50k should fund about a month’s work. )

6. I’m also a Druid. Not all Welsh speakers are Druids: a minority are normal people. But when I was a teenager, my mother forced me to sit a Druids entrance examination. Consequently, I was made to take part in an initiation ceremony featuring an elderly gentleman unsheathing his Grand Sword and another playing on his Horn of Plenty. Gets you hot under the collar doesn’t it? No? Not at all? Really? Oh well, I suppose it is very NICHE.

7. I don’t have threadworms. (I’m not being gratuitous. I’m only mentioning it because, as I was vacuuming the lounge the other day  - living the dream again - I received an entirely unprovoked tweet from a friend: “Thought you’d like to know. Threadworms can live in your fanjita.” My first thought was: I don’t know why my friend thinks it’s okay to spam me with zoological obscenities. On reflection, I can see that she was simply passing on an important public health information message. Of course she was.

Now I’m going to pass the award on to lots of other bloggers, as the rules state. I have no idea whether they’re versatile, but I know they’re all sluts for awards.

All Sweetness and Life – whose blog is very honest, very funny, very feisty.  

Single Older Mum - who is getting her 'va-va-voom' back after life with ‘Shitty Ex-Husband’.

Yes We Do Have A TV - who writes a great blog, and who will one day pass her driving test.


*Why does Karren Brady spell her name with two ‘r’ s? I am the only person in the world who is incensed by this choice? She may be one of the most influential women in the greater solar system, and have nice hair, but I’m a better speller, that’s for sure.

PS: Before anyone mentions it, I did attend my neighbours’ royal wedding tea party. I’m not a killjoy, I love my neighbours, I wanted my kids to have a good time, and I’m as partial as anyone to cupcakes and daytime binge-drinking. This doesn’t change the fact that watching Kate and William getting married was like being “f**ked in the arse whilst being shown a picture of kittens”, as quoted by Mumsnet's 'Tethers End'. Pass me the bubbly. Vive La Republic! 

4 comments:

  1. You can get threadworms in your fanjita?? *shriek* *faints* *revives* *vom*

    I feel I know you SO MUCH BETTER now. And funnily enough, I am really attracted to you. Must be the Druid stuff. I always fancied Getafix in Asterix. It's the beard. You have... beard...?

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  2. I don't have a beard at the moment. But I could grow one. Alternatively, you could just send me some of those extra long hairs that grow from your ass-crack and I could get them transplanted onto my chin? x

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  3. Well we should form an enormous norks club then cos mine are currently dive bombing into the core of the earth ... yeah cheers gravity. Thanks to the little one I have made it into the G of the feckin alphabet .... not one G but two G's - I think its called double G. They are my Good Gods! And I am barely over 5' 2" .... my legs are barely coping. Now you know alot more about me than my name! Druid? That's very cool - much more imaginative than C of E. P.s Dani Behr is so yesterday DHarling! Pps Karren Brady's make up in this weeks Young Apprentice (much better than the grown up version)was awful - it was sliding off her face onto Sir Al's dandruffy shoulders.

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  4. GG. That is nothing. I know someone who is KK. She has a pair of norKKs on her, I can tell ya! PS Karren Brady has enormous ones. But she AINT joining our club. x

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