Saturday, 31 December 2011

DEAR BOSS

My partner excels at romantic gestures. This year he bought me a book, wrapped in the prettiest red paper, with the magical word ‘Love’ in the title.  Now I know what you’re thinking. Is it ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ by Gabriel Garcia Marquez? Is it ‘Love’ by Toni Morrison? Well no, it isn’t either of these. Great works of literary fiction only claim to change your life; my partner has bigger ambitions. His gift was a self-help book that will change my life for real. A book called ‘How to Get A Job You’ll Love’. 

Thanks baby.

You see, for a long time now, I’ve been worrying that all this pissing about raising my kids is below me. How I’ve longed for a book that will help me get off my fat lazy stay-at-home-mummy ass (covered as it is in great oozing bedsores from sitting down reading stories to my kids) into the world of REAL work.      

Even as I write, there are tears of gratitude welling up in my eyes, blurring my vision. I'm so moved by his gesture that I feel compelled to share with you the list I’ve compiled in response to one of the book’s first exercises; a ‘cathartic’ list of all the things I have disliked about work in the past, which is meant to help me move forwards.     

So here goes:

1.     I don't like meetings. For a start, no one listens to me. My partner reckons it’s because I speak at a pitch that is audible only to whales, elephants, or supernatural beings blessed with powers of super-hearing, i.e Superman/ Wolverine/God. I’m not so sure. On the rare occasion I do say something interesting, it’s really odd and funny how one or other of my colleagues (usually a male) will make EXACTLY the same observation a few minutes later. As if by magic. Lately, I’ve been secretly thinking (although it’s not in the book) that the only way forward for me is to attend any meetings equipped with a massive strap-on cock and shout my ideas really loudly into a fucking megaphone. See if that works.

Alternatively I could get my tits out. Which brings me to the second point…

2.     Recently I have read reviews of a very bad and naughty book by sociologist Catherine Hakim called ‘Erotic Capital’, in which she argues that women should be using sex appeal to get ahead in the boardroom. My feeling is that Catherine Hakim’s strategies might work fine until you’re 30. Taken to extremes, you might even find that fellating your (married) boss on the boardroom table gets you a mini-promotion (although never ever his job). By the time you reach 40, however, you will have realised that wearing a short skirt into the office is more likely to provoke violent gag reflexes. Suddenly you realise you’ve been misled. Suddenly you have to man up, draw on other skills, like the ability to assert yourself. And it’s bloody hard. So Catherine Hakim. Listen with mother. I know I sound a little crazy, a little emotional, a little irrational, even hormonal - but what I think I’m trying to say is this: shut the fuck up, you tedious reactionary.  

3.   I don’t like inflexibility in the workplace. For instance, I drop my kids off at school at nine o’clock in the morning. This is what I do. I like to give them a kiss and a cuddle, and see them off into the world. I'm such a wet. Just because YOU want me to be in the office by nine o'clock in the morning for no other reason than because someone in the US in the 1950s said that business hours constituted 9 a.m until 5 p.m (rather than 9.15 until 5.15, or 10.00 until 6.00), it doesn’t mean it should automatically be that way forever and ever. Does it?  Listen, I would be there if there were a meeting, or something important, but I just don’t get why I have to be there at 9.00am just so that I don’t miss the critical life-or-death moment when the kettle boils and everyone makes their morning tea and stands around for absolutely aeons discussing what they did the previous evening. PS: I’m not lazy. I never take a lunch hour. Look, boss, if we could just talk about it for a minute in the boardroom, ALONE, I’m sure we could come to some agreement…*brings out Catherine Hakim’s book*…

4.    I don’t like leaving my kids in the care of other people for longer than a few hours. Something to do with me giving birth to them and feeling responsible for them. Fucking crazy stuff. 

Anyway, as you can plainly see, I’m making progress. I’m thinking positively. I’m talking myself into a good place. I’m all psyched up. I’m supposed to write approximately ten points before I move on to the second exercise in the book, then I’m supposed to read the whole book, but hell, I think I’m ready! I’m growing huge balls as I write. I’m crushing up all the maternal bones in my body and making cocaine from them. I’m even thinking I should share this blog post with my contacts on Linkedin? What do’ya think? What d'ya think! Fuck, I’m even thinking I’m going to burn that soppy po-faced Oliver James’s book ‘How Not to F**k Them Up' this very minute, and phone a childminder, or preferably, the child-catcher in 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang', see if he's got spaces...  

It’s gonna be great.




8 comments:

  1. Happy New year to you lady! And congrats on your humour editing appointment on LAB. Seriously - your husband bought you a self help book for Xmas - how did you keep a straight face? I used to hate meetings and taking minutes! Bloody pointless most of the time. Oliver James is rather po faced isn't he? Not sure if I agree on everything he says in his book - his point towards the beginning about just getting on with it after the birth totally and insensitively paid lip service to those women who have been seriously affected by birth - such an ingnoramous - and he's a psychiatrist! - anyway sounds like you are manning up to be a serious 'organiser' mummy - ha ha ha ha.

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  2. Happy new year to you too!! I've been mightily told off for bitchin about hubbie all day long on blog, so, obviously, I was delighted with his choice of gift. (Mind you, he did also buy me a book on blogging, which is brilliant, but sort of gets in the way of my career-hunting? You can't do both!!)

    Will now re-read Oliver's tome so I can respond with erudite remarks next time someone comments. x

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  3. Oliver James is definitely both po and poo faced...and clearly as fucked up as we are. Your blog, however, keeps me almost sane. Thanks for another brilliant post. My husband bought me a book on particle physics! WTF? I know I said I wanted to start using my brain again, but...WTF???????

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  4. Hi there! I agree that books on particle physics are very un-christmassy, but take it as a compliment. You obviously have a great mind! If i told my partner i wanted to start using my mind, he would be more likely to buy me some kind of starter book like 'Shapes, Numbers and Opposites' for 3-5 year olds. And I couldn't blame him.

    I still prefer Oliver James to Catherine Hakim. Have you seen that woman's eyebrows! it's friggin scary x

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  5. I am in bed with the iPad and my ill 4 year old (always wanted a threesome but this is definitely not what I meant) and feeling very sorry for myself, and you made me giggle out loud again (I almost woke the 4 year old due to your damn witty writing stylee).

    I'm so with you, especially point 1, oh and 2,3 and 4.

    Brilliant. You should just blog your way through effing meetings.

    Love (Nearly!) Perfect Mother.......can't quite work out this comment profile thang....

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  6. Hi Nearly Perfect. You have mentioned threesomes on a few occasions now. I'm not a threesome aficionado or anything, but I'd say it probably doesn't get much better than that one you had with the Gruffalo. x

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  7. Hiya! I'm visiting from the LAB showcase and now I've got that out of the way, allow me to descend into hearty guffaws!!! I think my favourite part was "Lately, I’ve been secretly thinking (although it’s not in the book) that the only way forward for me is to attend any meetings equipped with a massive strap-on cock and shout my ideas really loudly into a fucking megaphone. See if that works". Did you use the book to beat your partner around the head??

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  8. Hi there! Thanks for stopping over and for your stirring incitement to domestic violence! Any other day, I would have been tempted, but as it's Valentine's Day today ... and he's bought me a cute Stella Mc Cartney knickers, I'd better not! x

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