I haven’t blogged in a while. These are the reasons:
The Summer Holidays: We’re all going on a summer holiday, tra la la la la la la tra la la … Oh, hang on a minute, what I actually meant to say was we’re NOT going on a summer holiday. Duh! Thing is, my partner is working 12-hour days for the duration of the summer holidays, so I’m staying right here, in the house, for six and a half weeks, with a gazillion children. Yeah, don’t worry, I’ve got enough food in! Sure I’ll keep the windows open so that there’s enough air n’all! And best of all, my mum’s coming up for a couple of days so no worries! It’ll be nonstop fun I’m telling ya!!
Lack of stimuli: Hey, even if I did have a minute to write a blog in between all the crazy fun times, I wouldn’t know what to write. You see, during the summer holidays, the children operate Amish-style house rules that forbid me from consuming news or current affairs programmes, surfing the Internet, reading books, or exchanging views with other adults, unless it’s my mother. Weirdly, I am allowed to take phone calls from my mother. This is because the kids - the cheeky little rascals –they’re hoping my mum will provoke me into doing something super-funny like, oh I dunno, writing ‘I Know I’m Not Special’ in permanent red marker all the way down my legs! As if, kids! You crazy cats!
Technical shit: and to top it all, my computer died on me. The right thing would be to say that my computer has gone to computer heaven with all the other little computers and angels, but frankly, my computer was an utter cunt, so I doubt it. There was one brief moment of reconciliation when it saved something precious without Unexpectedly Quitting, which made me so emotional about the good times, I cried. But if I’m honest, there was already too much resentment in the mix, too much anger, and the idea that my desktop might now be bobbing away in an everlasting lake of hellfire, protesting about fatal errors and 'changes that have been made that affect the global template' is, in truth, not too difficult to bear.
Which brings me very neatly to the next reason…
PMS that won’t go away: For about three weeks now, I’ve been getting really bad PMS. Horrible nightmarish PMS. The kind of PMS that wouldn’t go away even if you took a billion grams of evening primrose oil, poured it into a biodegradable butt plug, shoved it up your asshole, and then left it there forever.
And, as you can imagine, blogging is not possible when you’re in the middle of a PMS episode of such severity. Neither is any kind of mental activity that requires focus. On a more positive note – and it’s important to count your blessings - there is a whole world of shit out there that I could be doing; activities that are perfectly suited to prolonged PMS episodes; such as drinking gin, eating like a pig, shouting like a total fuck, contemplating the atrophying of my aspirations, and putting all the furniture in the house into self-storage to reduce the clutter (and the smell).
Happy holidays campers!